I was reading an article today from Fibrofighters.com, which is a new site for me. It came up in my weekly search report on chronic illness. There’s a great article today about supporting a loved one with a chronic illness, but I was interested in particular in a section about what to say to a friend.
There’s no perfect thing to say when your loved one is having a bad day, and nothing is wrong with admitting, “I don’t know what to say.” You don’t have to say anything, as long as you listen to her and let her know it’s OK if she wants to vent.
What if the sick person isn’t taking medicine on time, is eating poorly or is otherwise not taking care of himself? That’s a tough one, says Jay, and what you do depends on your relationship. Talk to his caregiver or a close family member first. You could gently broach the topic with your friend, but be aware that he may become angry.
What if you are the caregiver or close family member?
I have struggled with this for years. It’s very hard to know what say. My wife is in pain all the time to some degree, but when she talks about that pain, she may need me to react in a number of ways. I can:
- just listen and let her vent
- be sympathetic and talk about how lupus sucks
- be optimistic and encouraging
- give her a verbal kick in the pants if she needs to be more proactive
I can tell you, and so can my wife, that I don’t always make the best choice. I do try my best, but it’s hard to see someone you love be in pain.
About “What to say. . .”
Just today my husband surprised me by asking, How do you feel right now? I told him which body parts hurt and that I felt a little yucky.
He didn’t have to say more than “Hmmm”.
It was just so nice, knowing he knew. (He also said, Sorry I asked!, but that part was just a joke ;>) . . . I think!?) I asked how he was feeling and he told me he was a little tired and that his back ached a bit. All very matter-of-fact.
I wish things went this way all the time. A simple Q&A several times a day would not be too often for me. Better to defuse misery before it builds to the point of anger that noone is noticing. And if you ask in time, a concerned “Hmmm” may just be a perfectly satisfactory response!
I think both sick person and caregiver should be on the receiving end of this question–often.
Thanks for the links, both the website and article were very interesting.
Wendy
As a person who also suffers from chronic pain (I have fibromyalgia and myofascial pain and osteoarthritis), I can tell you that more important that you saying the perfect thing to your wife is the fact that you are trying at all. So many people with chronic pain do not have anyone at all to lean on, no one to support them or listen to them or encourage them. Your simply being there with her and giving your best effort is more helpful than you probably realize. Yes, it is wonderful when you say just the right thing at just the right moment. Who doesn’t need that and love that when it happens? But please also remember that you are giving her a very precious gift simply by trying. I commend you for your efforts and for loving your wife and sticking by her. You two are lucky to have a love that can withstand the intensity of a relationship when one partner has a chronic condition.
Fibromyalgia is a tough condition to deal with. On one hand you experience so much pain that is difficult to deal with and at the other end the doctor tells you after all the tests that there seems nothing wrong with your body. The debate continues wheather it is a physiological condition or psychological.